From. Through. To. HIM.

This year Christmas took a different spin for me. The word that kept coming up and sticking with me?  Freedom. This year Christmas came in the midst of more change/newness of circumstances than I’ve ever experienced in one year.  It came in the midst of tight chest, racing heart and never-stopping mind.  It came in the midst of transition that threatens to paralyze. And I’m listening to my pastor talk about how the “host of heaven’s armies” has a military connotation, how Jesus came to a people oppressed by force.  And he’s reminding us that Jesus came to liberate. And I’m talking to a friend about how trusting God is what I need to work on.  And the words that she speaks bring comfort to my soul:  “We all have certain bents for what we’re gifted in, but we also have certain bents for what we’ll struggle with.  Some people are just more prone to be anxious.  But that also makes up your personality.  Rather than thinking that we can just get over it, we need to realize

I’m finding myself caught in the tension again, between the life that I say I want and my sin that I keep giving into. I’m feeling it when I’m in a crowd of people and want to know them all and yet want to only know those whom I already know. I’m feeling it when new faces are potential life-long friends but also a laying aside of self. My soul, our souls, seem caught in this struggle.  We desperately want a depth of relationship in which we are known and know and yet we refuse the getting there, or at least the learning how to get there. And I’m feeling it oh so evidently as I’m in the new places: new school, new work, new church.   An entering into a classroom gives the potential of connecting with new people, but I sit where I always sit: next to those whom I already know.   It seems we’re all longing for connection.  I’ve heard myself say it.  And yet, when it comes down to it, I choose my own comfort, safety, and affirmation above the chance to really know